Caring, emo, sharing

Sharing Is Caring . . . To a Point

Honesty is important to me but I realize now that some topics don’t need to be breached.

In trying to communicate and exhibit integrity, I crossed the line into a territory where I’ve shared too much.

I need to NOT avoid or repress feelings. They should to be reflected on and processed.

However, my emotions can change, moment to moment, so I don’t need to cater to EVERY thought.

There’s an art to being tactful when hashing out one’s sensibilities.

 

First of all, the feelings and thoughts we have are important, but they’re not concrete truths. They are merely our own perceptions, opinions, and points-of-view; no one else’s.

At the same time, the feelings and thoughts we have are NOT unique. What differentiates me, from you, or the next human, is response; action.

We all have choices regarding how we react to feelings, thoughts, circumstances, etc.

Attempting to repress emotions is a chosen act so we may as well take the time to acknowledge how we feel and why we feel that particular way. Allowing this process will likely lead us to the most appropriate action.

When we bottle our emotions up, we run the risk of losing control.

When we lose control, we’re caught off guard, which makes us more likely to act inappropriately.

Self-sustained sensations rooted in fear, such as paranoia, worry, obsession, etc., only lead to suffering of oneself.

Another fear-based sentiment is guilt.

There’s no need to feel guilty for feeling.

Feelings are not set in stone. Feelings do not dictate who we are at our core.

 

When a feeling or thought, first enters my noggin and it wants to stay, I (again) need to process it (not push it down). I will look at the “how I feel,” “why I feel that way,” and go from there.

 

Feeling #1: I’m worried about how I’ll do on a project for school.

I’m worried because I’m afraid of failing. If I fail, I’ll lose my funding, I’ll look “stupid,” etc.

Solution: I don’t need to indulge in worst-case scenarios because they’re hypothetical and if I do my best, I should have nothing to fear. If I allow my “worry” to take over, I’ll be wasting energy that I COULD be using toward a resolution, and even be, potentially, setting myself up for failure.

If I didn’t do my best, I need to take responsibility for that. No scapegoats!

To make “my best” happen, I will make sure I have all the information I need. If the professor prepares an outline, I’ll use that as a checklist. If I’m not sure about something, I’ll ask questions. Just because I may want some things spelled out for me, doesn’t mean I lack intelligence. I’m just being thorough in sorting semantics. When I assume, there may be a breakdown in communication. I’m not a mind-reader so if there is confusion on my part, I’m responsible for asking relevant questions to clear it up.

 

Feeling #2: Someone said something to me that, sort of, stung.

This comment hurt my feelings. Why did it hurt? Because I took it personally. Why did I take it personally? Maybe, there’s a ring of truth to it. Maybe, it triggered a painful memory.

Solution: This one’s tough. Maybe, confronting the culprit would only engage the person, thereby “rewarding” their negative behavior. Maybe, they “know not what they do.” Maybe, I did something adverse, and they’re reacting to it by lashing out. Maybe, it was meant as a joke that crossed a line.

How I choose to react, depends on any particular situation.

If I provoked said “attack,” I (again) need to take responsibility by addressing what is transpiring.

If it’s a conflict with someone I know, I should, probably, express how the comment made me feel; create a boundary. While, I’m not a mind-reader, neither is anybody else.

If it’s someone that I’ve never seen before and will never seen again, I could, by all accounts, refrain from delving into any further contention.

Sometimes, not taking action is the best action. Again, it’s all about how I CHOOSE to expend my energy.

 

An activity I perform routinely is to reword, what could be, subconscious or unintentional self-depreciating phrases.

 

Examples: Above I spun “asking questions makes me feel stupid” into “there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be thorough, which can be done by asking questions.”

“I am neurotic.” vs. “I am methodical.”

“I am weird.” vs. “I exhibit character.”

“I’m never satisfied.” vs. “I evolve.”

“I can never stay in one place for too long.” vs. “I am worldly and love to travel.”

Etc., etc., etc.

 

It takes just as much effort to indulge in negativity, as putting positive vibes out there.

If you aren’t a nihilist, why not choose positivity?

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Art, Politics, Science

Diving Head-First into That Rabbit-Hole

Art. Science. Politics . . . (cont’d from January 31st, 2015)

In diving head-first into that rabbit-hole, I’ve learned that it’s okay to play devil’s advocate. I love hearing the different sides to everything, even if I don’t agree.

I tried using an anonymous pen name to blog about more sensitive subjects. The reason being, I thought, if people didn’t know it was me (Mariah Rose), they wouldn’t be afraid to say what they were really thinking about whatever the subject was, and I, at the same time, wouldn’t feel personally attacked by those who didn’t agree with me or are negative for the sake of being negative.

I’ve always been wary of what I make public, to a fault, I think. I’m afraid of offending people, stirring up controversy, or coming off as uneducated.

Welp, I can’t worry about things like that. Sure, I don’t want to stick my foot in my mouth or be aggressive with my opinions, but in having a stroke, I lost my voice for a time. My cognition went out the window. I’m just, now, feeling comfortable with my thoughts, after a year and a half. I’ll never take that for granted, again. I still have far to go, but look at how far I’ve come!

My blog at mariahrosesramblings.wordpress.com has been geared toward my recovery and helping others realize that when they feel alone, someone, somewhere out there, is going through something similar, or, at least, can empathize. I’d like to keep it that way but, also, write about subjects that are bothering me. So, like everything I do, I thought long and hard about what pseudonym I’d use and, then, thought and slept on it some more.

My name is Mariah Rose. When choosing a pen name, I wanted to pay homage. You see, “Rose” is a family name. My mother’s name is Rosemary and I owe most of what and where I am to her. The first name of my new pseudonym will be, “Rosalie,” my great-grandmother’s (on my mother’s side) name. I have very fond memories of visiting during the summers of my early years. She was a stoic, polite, witty, well-read, independent woman. She always had her freezer stocked with Klondike bars and never ran out of after-dinner mints.

Thinking of her make me, both, nostalgic and want to dig deeper into the mystery of my heritage. She and my great-grandfather, who was a WWI veteran, raised three soldiers who fought in WWII, who all made it home. I think that’s pretty cool.

She was the first person I remember, consciously having to mourn but I have fond memories of when she died too. Yes, it was sad but she was celebrated because she was so loved. She brought people together, even in death.

For my pseudo-last name, I choose, “Knox.”

Knox is the last name of Mickey and Mallory, some the main antiheroes in one of my favorite movies, “Natural Born Killers.” I use the term “antihero” because they’re, at times, both protagonists AND antagonists. The movie is a commentary on how the media sensationalizes violence and crime. It has so many layers. Yeah, it’s violent but it goes so much deeper than that; from Oliver Stone’s directing to Quentin Tarantino’s character development to Robert Richardson’s unparalleled cinematography to Trent Reznor’s work with the soundtrack, etc., no stone (no pun intended) was left unturned. It’s deals with the inner struggle with personal demons, PTSD, corruption in the legal system, nature vs. nurture, again, etc. It was about the 90s but, I think, it’s relevant even now, 20 years later. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Syyucj3Axdc, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCY1x7PI6Hk, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOGVyrOLWhI)

When I post under Rosalie Knox, I’ll be posting my opinions based on my life experiences. It may stray from the positivity of “Mariah Rose’s Ramblings.” That’s why I’m making a separate blog. “. . . I consider myself (Mariah Rose) [to be], sort-of, a “public figure”; a young woman who THOUGHT she was on a righteous path (or, at least, getting there) that was cut short in the blink of an eye, making her recovery public, ensuring she’d get the support she needed, while reaching out and encouraging others in similar situations.” (www.mariahrosesramblings.wordpress.com, Art. Science. Politics., January 31st, 2015.) Posts under Rosalie Knox will NOT be an attack on anyone or their opinions. However, I may write about things that you don’t necessarily want thrust in your line of site. If you want my opinion, read what I write. If you couldn’t care less, that’s okay too. I’m giving you a choice, that’s all. I’m just imploring you to think before you decide and that you always be willing to listen to other people’s points of view. You have the ability keep evolving as circumstances change. Change is inevitable. Be flexible.

Feel free e-mail “me” at rosaliehknox@gmail.com to open up some cyber-dialogue. This will be opportunity to type privately about what I write. I’d ask you not to abuse this gesture. I WILL NOT respond to hostility and I WILL NOT give out my phone number.

Blogs will be at:

https://xdevilsxadvocate.wordpress.com

http://xdevilsxadvocate.tumblr.com

Snippets will be at:

https://twitter.com/Rosalie_KnoxDA

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